woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
