i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
