We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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