Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
