apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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