Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
