i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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