3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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