Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
