My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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