Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
