just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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