3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
