someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize