WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he puts the penis in happiness.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
