I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
