I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
