New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
