this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
and she was petting her beer can
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
