true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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