I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
