Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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