It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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