her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
