Is it because I queefed?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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