By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
