if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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