Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
