she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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