Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
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I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.