We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
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This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
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I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.