Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
