This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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