On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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