I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
