i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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