just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Oh god it's open bar.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
