When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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