three words: i give head
three words: not that well
pop tarts are not kleenex
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
