I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
