The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
