I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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