The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
