Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
