i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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