So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
