I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
