the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
