Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
