id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
