I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
