I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
