Who wears a wallet chain?!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
