I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
