Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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