Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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