i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
