Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
